New Study Urges Communities to Curb Coffee Consumption

Posted by Ken Hiebert on Saturday, April 27, 2019 Under: News...

The Canadian Press · Posted: Apr 26, 2019 12:03 PM ET | Last Updated: 3 hours ago


A new study released this week claims the continued rise in caffeine consumption will spell certain disaster for the human race.  The study, published by the Inter-municipal Panel on Coffee Consumption (IPCC) alleges that as coffee consumption rises in North America,  people are less able to fully relax and recuperate from the stresses of living in a fast-paced consumer oriented society.  The study also reports that more frequent trips to the bathroom and increased flatulence, along with looser bowel movements will become a greater contributor to already over-taxed sewage treatment facilities and also to greenhouse gases in the very near future.  

This flies in the face of what many avid coffee drinkers believe about the purported health benefits of caffeine. 

The study analyzed data from the world's foremost coffee drinking scientists and found that at least 97% of scientists agree that if something isn't done to curb coffee consumption at the local level, irreparable damage will be done to the biosphere. Several other independent studies appear to confirm this.  The small contingent who deny that there is a problem, insist that there is no hurry to do anything about this imminent threat and have often been found sipping free lattes at Tim Horton's. 

One such denier, C.K. Hiebert asserts that coffee is the fuel that runs the engines of corporate America and any attempt to disrupt this flow would certainly cripple western civilization.  He also criticized the study, quoting Albert Einstein:

"No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong."

The IPCC asserts that Hiebert is a well known coffee-denier and a frequent recipient of many a free latte at Tim Horton's and even the odd cheesecake at Coffee Culture.  Because of his obvious ties to "Big Coffee", and his alt-right views, they insist that any information he allegedly possesses is of no value and is simply an attempt to divert attention away from the crisis. Noting that drive-thrus are already at over-capacity in most urban centres, an IPCC spokesperson has stated that we may already be at a tipping point in regards to the number of users and immediate action is certainly necessary if we hope to save the next generation from becoming wide-eyed, vibrating, methane-pumpers speeding through life simply so they can find their spot in the ever lengthening drive-thru lines.

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I'm a guitar instructor in a small town. I love teaching and I love playing music. I also love doing things that have nothing to do with music... or teaching... or teaching music.